When Anxiety Eats Me, Please Bear With Me
I’m writing this for a very important person in my life. I want you to know that you are not alone, you are not the only one who is experiencing this. Because I did too, and still going through it. When anxiety eats you, I'll bear with you.
The moment when my mind starts to sew my thoughts from one thought to another and lead to another and another until I realised that it has been an hour that I was staring into thin air.
That exact moment that everyone around me wants to help me. Wants to talk to me, but I know to myself that nothing could actually make me feel better. I already know what they’ll say. Those good things that supposed to make me feel better, there is nothing wrong with that of course. Some people actually need it. But not me, unfortunately, not this time.
I hope that those words can make me feel better, I want to be better, to be happier. Like what how you want me to be. It’s not that easy, I also hope it could be that easy. I don’t want people I love to be worried.
Trying to see the bright side of things I have, has been my everyday mantra. Counting my blessings, loving people around me, basic needs that provide my everyday necessities, I do see that. I do appreciate that. But, God, I don’t know. I don’t know why I am feeling like this, I hope I know.
Sometimes, I’m getting tired of talking to people, because, it is, indeed not helpful anymore, at least in my dark and unclear view. I know I'm pushing people aside without actually realising it until it’s late.
You see, this anxiety is eating me. I do not wish to be a burden to you neither to anyone, I hope I could find an escape or that little door that could take me back to the days I was feeling better. I want to be myself again, I miss myself, the bubbly version of me.
This darkness is eating, it’s sucking my life away. When I close my eyes, I just want to cry my heart out. Some days, I can’t even cry anymore. I don’t feel anything anymore. I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of making out any solutions to make my situation better and my feeling lighter. My brain is tired and exhausted.
Every time I see that little light up the corner, I can feel the anxiety behind me, catching up with me. It’s too heavy for me to carry it all, it’s tiring for me to take it all. It makes me weak, alone, depressed.
I know, I can fight this. I’m not sure how, how long it will take or when I will win over it. But I am willing to try and do my best. I wouldn’t let it take my beautiful life away from me that I should be enjoying.
I wouldn’t let it snatch the time I should be enjoying with my family and friends. No chance in the world, I will give up and let it win over me. I know I am not born to just give up and let it take over the life I am supposed to design myself.
Thank you for being there, for the patients. I really appreciate it. You are great. I know I can cope with my depression and pick myself up again.
This anxiety is eating me, but I’m trying to fight it, I’m trying my best to make things work. You see, it’s not easy. So please, bear with me. Be there, be stronger than me. I need it right now.